Saudi women live in the shadows. They walk behind their fathers, brothers and husbands both literally and figuratively. When men meet on the street, their women stand back, silently and unspoken to. It's not appropriate to inquire about a man's wife or daughters, even to ask how they're doing. It's never appropriate to address a woman in another man's "house" be they his daughter or wife and giving gifts to a man's wife would only be appropriate if you knew the man quite well and would be done through him, not in person. It is normal that you could know a man for along time, very well, and never have met his wife.
In childhood, while their brothers are a source of pride for the entire family, encouraged to speak out and play, Saudi girls assume a secondary role. Any argument between a brother and sister is automatically assumed to be the fault of the sister. Girls aren't allowed to run or play sports*. It's not as if Saudi girls aren't provided for though. They are afforded every luxury and creature comfort including the finest clothes and cosmetics. It's also not as if love is withheld. Even their fathers can be extremely affectionate and giving of love throughout their childhood. But everything changes at puberty. Quite often fathers stop acknowledging their daughters. In public they are required to start wearing the abaya and hijab**. They are meant to hide their womanhood and to show modesty. At puberty, girls become something to be protected, but more importantly they have something to be protected -- their virginity.
Until marriage, Saudi women are encouraged to pursue their education. With little else to do but pamper themselves and shop it's often a welcomed pursuit. Consequently, female Saudi students are much more likely to be well-behaved and more studious than their male counterparts. Also, the more educated a girl is, the more money she will bring her family . Unlike the tradition of paying a dowry (the money a bride's family pays to the groom's), in Saudi the groom pays money to the family of the bride. It's not uncommon for an educated girl, especially one who is beautiful and well-kempt, from an upstanding family to net upwards of 500,000 Riyals ( $130,000 US), so needless to say "investing" in your daughter can make sound financial sense.
Contrary to what one might think, Saudi girls actually have quite a lot of say when it comes to who, when and under what conditions they marry. There are no arranged marriages in the strict sense. At some point, usually around the time her education is complete, a father will approach his daughter and tell her that it's time that the search begins for an appropriate husband. The families of both potential brides and grooms conduct the sometimes exhaustive process of finding quality matches. What family your from is of the utmost importance. It, along with education and earning potential, are the primary factors families consider when selecting candidates to present to their son or daughter.
When someone fitting is found, a meeting between the guy and girl is arranged. Usually in the company of the girl's father, the two are given about fifteen minutes to become acquainted. If afterwards both parties consent, an engagement agreement is entered into by both families. The agreement is not legally binding but with it the process of planning the ceremony can begin. Also, the engaged couple can begin spending time together. They are allowed to talk on the phone, go out for meals, and visit each other in their homes, most of which taking place under fatherly supervision. The engagement can be broken by either party at anytime for any reason with no consequence and the family will take it upon themselves to continue the search. A guy or girl can decline to marry any number of potential spouses, but due to family pressure must at least consent to meeting them first. If the engagement period is successful, prior to the wedding, a marriage contract must be agreed upon by both parties. In it, the bride price (not my term) along with the wive's personal monthly stipend are stipulated. The wife can have anything put in writing including if she will be allowed to get a job and if the husband may take another wife.
Once married, a Saudi woman's life, instead of being controlled by her father, becomes controlled by her husband. She has no say in the affairs of her house not stipulated in the marriage contract including how her children will be raised or even how many she will have. She does not have the right to deny the sexual advances of her husband except for in the instance of illness or during menstruation. She is usually given the responsibility of shopping and cooking or that of delegating those tasks to the help. She does have complete control over her personal finances which include both the stipend from her husband and any money she may earn through employment. This money is hers and her husband can't touch it, no matter what, even in divorce. With it and little else to do, most Saudi women pacify themselves by going to the mall. They must still be escorted every time they go out and are not allowed to drive, but with a driver they are at least afforded some semblance of freedom and mobility. If she has been allowed to work and finds a job, oftentimes, especially if it's not in education or in an all-female branch of a bank, she will be asked to work from home. So despite having a job she still does not have much reason to leave the house. But, a woman can legally divorce at anytime for any reason despite strong encouragement to the contrary from her family.
Having never spoken to a Saudi woman, I have no idea how they feel about their lot in life. I do know that in addition to activists who speak out against gender subjugation and marital abuse, there are those who speak out to the contrary, about the pride they feel in their modesty and devotion to their faith and "guardians". I also know that for whatever reason the rate of mental illness for women in Saudi is much higher than that of the rest of the world and that the life expectancy here is lower for women than it is for men, something not common in non-war-torn countries. There is hope among human rights observers that the situation for women here will change to become at least more in line with that of many of their Arab neighbors. It seems the first representation of this will be in allowing women to drive. I've heard that the king is even in favor of this but because of fervent opposition it will take time to convince the public at large. I'd love the opportunity to sit down with some Saudi women to discuss their lives, but in all likelihood this won't happen. I will have to settle with getting this information second hand from female westerners who teach them or other foreigners who've been here long enough to know what it's like. My thought is that it has to feel as oppressive as it sounds, but -- as is so often the case-- it's hard to look at anything through eyes other than my own.
* Saudi women aren't allowed to run or play sports because of the risk of rupturing the hymen. If a man is told his wife is a virgin but she cannot "prove" her virginity on her wedding night, she is of no value in marriage and will be divorced immediately.
** Abaya- One piece black garment worn over the clothes which covers the neck, wrists, and ankles and which is required to be worn by all women in public including foreigners.
Hijab- Hair covering
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